I haven’t written in a long time; mostly because the actual living of my life has gotten in the way. There’s always an email that needs answering or a ringing phone or wine to be drunk that prevent me from sitting and collecting my thoughts all quiet-like.
A fun but perplexing weekend has left me working over some thoughts, likely till I’ve worried the finish right off of them, but all that thinking led me right back here to try and distill it all down to something useful. I had one of those moments this weekend that just made my brain explode. It was the moment that launched a million questions about myself, about how others perceive me, and the way things work between people. Ultimately, it led me to some of my own truths, that by writing them here, I’m owning.
It was a simple thing really….a very sweet, well-meaning friend who, I believe, was speaking to protect my best interests, said I was naive. My cerebellum lit up like a pinball machine at the word – a mixture of horror, amusement, and indignation for the most part. I managed to collect myself before I spoke. My response was simple, “I’m nearly 38 years old, I’ve been in relationships most of my adult life, I’ve learned a few things. Now I just take what’s good from a situation and move along.”
I can’t rightly say how it was received, but over the past few days, I’ve come up with some things that I know to be true about myself at this point in my life.
1. I am an enthusiastic and whole-hearted lover of people, music, and words. I am truly unabashed about all three. An ex-boyfriend of mine used to laugh at how I would gush that something or someone was “amazing” with such emphasis and glee. I’m quick to love people and pull them close and despite it getting me kicked in the teeth more times than I choose to count, I wouldn’t change it. I love that my friends, family, and “special interest groups” know how great I think they are and that I adore and appreciate them. Yes, I’m more careful these days about who gets into the inner sanctum, but I’m ok with being effusive. It’s what makes me me.
2. I want things and that’s ok. I’ve been very uncomfortable for a good many years about having needs and wants…that is, up until I put some serious time into dating. There is nothing that gets you to define and embrace what you want and need (and don’t) like a series of bad dates. I want to be myself and blurt out ridiculous, silly, filthy jokes and comments because that’s what I do. I want to be surrounded by people who make me think, sing, laugh, smile, and make a fool of myself. I want to shamelessly flirt because, no matter what the size tag on my pants says, I’m sexy and I’m a damned good flirt when the spirit moves me. I don’t ever want to make myself smaller for anyone again either physically or emotionally/spiritually.
3. Losing weight is not easy. It actually gets harder every day. It’s work. Watching what I eat isn’t enough – my body tends to want to be…zaftig. I have big boobs, and a big ass and when I weigh less they are still big – and I like ’em. So do some other folks. I will never be tiny, I’m just not built for it, but if I work really hard – exercise and diet – I can be healthy and smaller. More than anything, I need to be doing it the right way for the right person – me.
4. I like men. Ok, you knew that. For the record, I’m down with everyone liking men or women regardless of their own gender. I like sex. I’m a grown ass woman and there is nothing in the world wrong with acknowledging that I like it. No, that doesn’t mean I’m bedding every willing man in the contiguous U-nited States, but guess what? Sometimes I have ulterior motives. Sometimes I find someone so attractive that I get that “oh-yes-he-will-be-mine” thing going on. I met a fella not too long ago who I found very appealing pretty much from the get-go. As I’ve gotten to know him a little I’ve found him to be smart and funny and interesting to talk to and very talented to boot. I also wouldn’t mind seeing him naked. Not one bit. In fact, I insist. I don’t think we’re getting married and having a white picket fence and 2.5 children. I just enjoy him. Whether I ever have my way with him or not I will continue to enjoy him and harbor dirty thoughts and flirt. If this is problematic for you, please review items 1-3 and then revisit.
5. My life would be incomplete and no fun at all without my girlfriends. They are the loves of my life, my partners in crime, the Sonnys to my Cher, the Pinot to my Grigio. They are also all significantly better looking than I am and I only go out with them because they’re happily married and therefore off-limits to my conquests. Joking aside, if I never make another friend for the rest of my life I’ll be ok. None of what I’ve written here will surprise any of them because they already know who I am.
I could make this list far longer but it would get a lot less interesting and you’re probably exhausted from the exertion of reading these five things. If you want to share some of your truths in the comments I’d be delighted. In closing, I’d like to quote 2 men who have been very influential in my life.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
“Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.” – My Dad