Hiatus Hernia

So I dropped off the face of the earth blog-wise.  I wasn’t watching a Lost marathon. I haven’t been committed to a mental hospital.  The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.  I didn’t exactly fall off the wagon – there just seemed to cease to be a wagon.  Things just went wrong…all the things.

Back in June I had just turned 36, I was seeing a guy I liked a whole lot, was back on my feet after ridding my life of a relationship the previous year that fiscally and emotionally drained me, I was totally grooving at work, and had started making new friends and creating a happy, stable life for myself.  The only challenge on the horizon was trying to shed the unwanted pounds I’d put on while I was healing through burgers, fries, and milkshakes.

And then things broke down.

I knew the fire had gone out in my quasi-relationship though the object of my affection, to this very day, refuses to hurt me by admitting it.  He’s an amazing person and the woman who manages to capture his undying affection will be so VERY lucky. As I promised him and myself, I didn’t break. I took it in stride.

Then my body betrayed me. No matter how careful I was with my food…no matter how much exercise I was doing I COULD NOT lose weight. To make matters worse, it repeatedly came up with new and colorful ailments to prevent me from exercising from cysts to a spectacular display of food allergies for which I now carry an Epi Pen.  I thought perhaps it was my body’s way of telling me not to forget I’m half a Jew by rejecting traif like shellfish, but as it turns out it does not like any of God’s creatures that make their home in water….clams being the most offensive. The thought of never having linguine with white clam sauce again brings a tear to my eye.

And then work. I can’t really talk about that, but it ain’t good.

I felt like I was in the perfect storm and I just dropped out…of just about everything. I lost my patience for everything.  I didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to say to anyone.

But then great things happened.

None of the problems disappeared but suddenly I found that the foundation I had built over the past year hadn’t washed away and, in fact, was solidly in place to support me. The friends I had reconnected with have kept me laughing and smiling. My long-time friends, my Laura, my knitting ladies and gents, and my co-workers have kept me caffeinated and listened and tolerated my nasty moods and still answer the phone when I call.  I even got to go on a very promising first date with someone amazing from my past who endlessly makes me laugh and with whom I have no shortage of conversation.

I admit I still struggle with keeping the negativity at bay. Sometimes it seems to surround me – in the form of both my own problems and those of others.  Still, I’m so incredibly grateful. I have great faith that everything will work itself out and I hope it’s sooner rather than later, but I have so many people in my life to be thankful for…I feel really lucky.

So now I can say with conviction that the wagon exists and I’m back on it. Starting this weekend it’s back to Weight Watchers and the gym.  I want to feel better, healthier, more energetic, and I want my fucking jeans to zip without me having to lie on the ground.  Onward and upward my friends…or downward…yeah, in this case downward would be far better.